Travelling with Angel

 He crossed me once in my life

a creature elf  like

paragon of integrity

a messenger divine

he vowed to be there

and laid my fears aside

His words feel like sonnets

embracing each day new hope

i know he will not leave 

making it possible for me to cope

as far as i believe he will stay

and redecorate all my eves

His visit was a free will

fresh like daisies and daffodils

kindred spirit absolute godsend

showering love, blessings and mend

It's just a keepsake for times together

a thank you note from a scribbler

small contribution on the special day

all my love in an ordinary way.

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p.s- i didn't know what i wanted to write

      i didn't know what i felt like

      trying to put in some words

      trying to pen it all tonight.

i dont know whether the above lines(and the ones at the beginning)  make some sense or not, i dont know whether the title is right or not.all i know is that these are innermost feelings completely honest and pure and a dedicatory post.

winds of change-3

Continued…

Under the streaming hot water she opened herself to the reality and had a great laugh at herself.

Completely drenched with tears which surprised and confused her, she squeezed her eyes shut, and felt his skin against hers.

She felt herself blush.

The speed at which everything moved felt strange and renewed her pain, she winced.

A violent outburst of anger forced her to scratch herself. She believed that this would help her get rid of the pain. The wound still hurts her. Not the physical but the emotional…..

She was punishing herself.

Managing her to the room she was crying, sobbing, the jerky sobs which almost stopped her from breathing. “Was a whole night not worth anything for him , was he ending it right now, has he made up his mind, is he walking out on me….”, all this kept buzzing in her mind.

Thinking all this her feet felt almost dead. Her face was ice-cold, she had on his shirt not the white one (stains of blood could have spoilt it) but the grey one which she had kept in her cupboard as a memoir. She believed in its sedative quality.

She slumped her head against the back of the bed, staring blindly at the ceiling for a while and fell into a doze again.

He grinned at her caressed her, he had his arms around her waist, his touch was so light….she kissed his cheeks…..

Continues..
p.s- you cannot simply force someone to feel a certain way about you.

winds of change-2

Continued……..

Everything looked beautiful, felt beautiful……

Together they were always happy and complete.

That night Rini poured her heart out, confessing how madly in love she was with him.

He deliberately ignored it all.

Not that he wasn’t in love, but he could just not concentrate on anything other than her eyes.

Each time she used  to bring in the topic of getting married, he use to somehow convince her to wait for some time and each time he use to initiate the topic she would very well know the reason was ‘marijuana’.

Along with a sense of confusion and disappointment it was a breaking point. Turning on her side , she switched off the lights and was off to sleep.

As always she woke up alone.

For few days Vikram didn’t turn up and didn’t respond properly to her     calls, lined up were‘I am busy with friends’,‘Had a long tiring day', ‘Not in a mood to talk’,Or would switch off his phone texting the next morning, ‘the battery drained’.His actions made her feel disrespected and rejected and deeply wounded.

She deliberated over the decision for a long time before she made up her mind…and each time she used to fix to one thing, he popped up with surprises and at the end of which she was left being totally alone.

The situation was being messy….

Rini called him up with a view to make him understand how these things were not required for their relation. But he moved on to insulting her-frigid and naïve. Saying he could no longer stay with a girlie who don’t understand or know a thing about him. and hung up on her.

For a while the shock of his words numbed her.

She felt betrayed, but she could hardly blame him .

There could have been no betrayal if there was no trust.


often i search for shoulder to cry on
often i face denials
often i try to smile for no reason
often am called a lier 
often i think m not that bitchy
often am given a place so higher
often i feel am a duckling so ugly
often it seems am not desired.


continues....

winds of change -1

                                                         

Rini was going through an emotional turmoil, the euphoria, the romance, the thrill was diminishing in her 2 year old relationship. She was figuring ways to dispel the monotony.

Her relation had been through fair share of storms, and each time she managed to smash it hard in face and want it to happen again.

But little did she know what was in store for her. Poised and smart as always, there was something unusual today……that aubergine dress, which made her look all the more stunning.

Vikram was at the door when there were still 60 ticks left for the clock to strike 8:00 pm. She gave a quick gaze to both the interiors and rose to greet him.

She had laid the best china, gold table runners, vanilla scented candles and the aroma could have made anyone feel hungry for the supper and more. Dining together vikram gazed reflectively at her liquid brown eyes, which showcased all the mad love for him. By the time she was cleaning the stuff, began the foreplay, kissing, stroking……but she interrupted insisting for a dance together, dim light, sweet fragrance, the perfect ambience for love to be in the air and also to overcome her inhibitions , after all she wanted to marry him.

He began caressing her hair, moving to the tunes, breathing her deep.

“I am a novice at these things”. she said blushing. As she wrapped her hands around him, it was like a leaf getting swept away in a current of water. She felt magic and important and right and happy. As if,  it  was all that mattered. Eventually the night came to an end and she woke up alone in the bed with only dreams on her side (vikram had left before it was time for maid to be in).

She sat back at once , startled by what she had done, but she felt good….the mere thought of being with vikram painted her cheeks. She immediately texted him , of how she was feeling…..he didn’t  answer.

She called him up but he disconnected, she felt worse. Texting later “dinner tonight “

And to her surprise , he was bang on time…with a bunch of flowers this time…

Calling out loudly…

For the dreamer’s dream

             Charmer’s charm

             Wandering soul

              Pretty as a flower …

(what these lines meant ,it was really hard to understand, but all what mattered were the feelings)

And he winked at her.

continues........

LIFE IS BLISSFUL WITH YOU MOM

I have often been told by my dad, how important I was for my mother.

At the time of her delivery, she had asked the doctor to make sure she has a daughter and if not she should get one.

Turning back the pages I realize, 25 years back when everyone preferred a son, as he would uphold the family values and ensure its continuity, my mother wanted rather insisted for a daughter and this mere realization makes me feel special.

How she enjoyed my smiling, screaming, clutching her fingers, fiddling with her sari and how she still cherishes recalling those moments. How  she always use to pass on her share of chocolate pudding to me, telling me she never did really care for it, and how she still stares at me in amusement with her pebble like eyes, seeing me lick the bowl.

I fail to understand, why all the songs dedicated to mothers showcase how sentimentally and emotionally their son’s are bonded with them.

I guess I cried thrice of what my brother did after listening to Shankar mahadevan’s  “meri ma”(tare zameen par).

I can bet daughters love their mothers equally or may be even more.

I cannot really express how I feel about my mother in words, but I have learned to love her since we first met. At times it seems that it’s only her who completely understands me , despite of my repeating “mum you won’t understand”, yet she always does and is my never failing support system.

More often we say that I love this dress, this song, this colour………..

 Less often, we love you mom.

This mother’s day and all other days to come, I’ll let her know how special she is and how much I love her. Maybe she is not my entire life but holds a great part of it and no one except her can love me so purely and her divine love is what I’ll treasure throughout my life.

“LOVE YOU LOTS MA”

Here's a song dedicated to every mother...
sung by Sagarika  and lyrics by veteran Nida Fazli....
                                                            

The pink paper

march has mostly been a non working month for me,though most of the people are busy filing their returns, students busy with their exams, mother's busy in keeping a track of their studies, not many weddings to attend and be a part of, puts a dance instructor like me in a no work zone.

    now the question arise what should i do?
    not to kill time but to make best use of it.

well i scanned my c.d collection, woila!
found step up1, step up 2 and a gifted step up 3,but they just lasted a day.
the search began again.now the great idea was to experiment with reading,don't be surprised on my mentioning that heading the list was the "business standard"(newspaper).
these pink papers as they are known in the business world has been a part of my home decor since ages.the only place where they were never to be seen was my room.but today, they managed their way to my desk.The headlines of the articles seemed so alien like "liquor prices to rise 20% on material costs, excise duty.", it will not matter to my glass of red wine..will it?

i continued flipping till i could locate a familiar word 'facebook'.
It read " facebook , twitter valuations may show a new tech bubble"*.some how i managed to read the entire article.
phew! it was informative but i had had enough for the day.next what?...fashion magazine...
time to pamper myself and be a fashionista...
the hot pixie hair look,tangerine lips,pretty pink toe nails, the LBD(little black dress)..
i am ready for the freedom (no work) party.
the facebook bug is so popular at the social gatherings,the first question usually asked"are u on facebook ?"

oh god! i was so tired of answering the usual way..but hey,i knew a little more than just knowing how to poke friends.
"yes i am on facebook ,do anyone of you know that facebook has a fast growing revenue..(silence)
about one in three people are online according to data from internet world stats and to add to the information,(oh, i was enjoying the attention) Goldman and JP Morgan chase have invested in internet start ups like facebook and twitter* .
awestruck!! for a dance instructor and above all a girl to know all this...!

yes, you guessed it right i was soon the star at the party.next day morning my facebook account showed a long list of  friend requests.:)
i guess it's the color pink which works,thanks to the pink paper..

_______________________________________________________________________

p.s: *information taken from business standard.
(hope this will work pulkit).

WARNING:LOVE AHEAD -2

Continues..

Let it be a typical weekend night, let’s party , said arjun, hoping to put her at ease.

Going giddy headed with all that partying and beer cans it got very late and dark, the black fabric of night could swallow almost everything.

“if you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows…………said drishti

…….You might tell them sorrows know how to swim, continued arjun.(quoted in p.s. I love you)

And they both giggled. This was  their another common like.

Her cellphone beeped again and a sudden chill grip her chest.

Why don’t you spit it out or let me see who’s it, his was a firm voice.

She haven’t ever talked of it with anyone but wanted to tell him, drishti hid her problems from her boyfriend but usually discussed them in detail with arjun.

Staring at the moon in it’s first quarter she proceeded, I was sexually abused as a child,she gulped and then continued , her voice turning deep,

Though it never bothered the roll of my life until when I discovered what it was ..looking at the star which detached itself  and fell, she cried secretly.

By now arjun was deeply aware of her melancholy…

She continued, and even before I could realize, I was in this impossible love with tarun(boyfriend), of which I thought was just a passing phase, but life was putting me in a direction I didn’t want to go in.

 to be continued......

WARNING:LOVE AHEAD

i won, who says girls cannot play chess...
her eyes sparkling as she had a wide smile(widening till ears on her face).
yeah!yeah! whatever, its just one game,i just let you win , since i dont like to dishearten girls...(though he knew she was actually good at  the game , but loved those wacky expressions, which are often seen in disapproval...
sipping coffee topped with laugh,play,discussions, this was for the first time they met officially as friends.
arjun was the one friend drishti made during her journey to HongKong. the last time they met was as co-passengers.since then they became acquaintance,friends and now special friends.its just been 10 months and yet they know almost everything about each other ,the likes,dislikes,love crush,break ups, you name it and they know it.
drishti does'nt usually get together with people she meets accidentally may be during journeys or on face book.but arjun was worth an exception .she was impressed -lets say it attracted.he was smart,handsome,sounded intellectual and above all was a charmer.but what appealed her the most was the number of things they had in common-they liked same songs,same colours and shared same morals......

talk,talk,talk!dont let your feelings bottle up,he insisted..
hey its your turn ,she pointed at the board...
it should be resolved before too much baggage piles up,he continued.
this is not the best time to resolve, can we go on a drive please ,she asked.
'ofcourse'
the air was damp and everything seemed still except for her blinking mellow eyes which were trying to search something but couldn't spot.
her cellphone beeped suddenly...she read the message and shuffled impatiently,her uneasiness growing in the silence.
arjun could see her legs feel wobbly....
is it the karizma of my presence that makes it difficult for you to not to fall for me......
she smiled at his cheekiness,then stopped abruptly...
what else she could do with the fear that grew inside her until her chest felt it might explode...
to be continued........

bugger off

The spiritual and emotional being helps me in bringing happiness and love to a larger community.

But am I really free to love whoever I want? May be, but I have realized that I am not free to express my love. I am glad to be a part of this ruthless society which makes me stronger each time it smashes me on face.

For any relation to be healthy there has to be an equal effort by both the people in order to maintain it. and, it’s not the responsibility to be carried only by the women.

Then why are only they expected to understand, adjust, sacrifice….and the cruel thing is yet to come, even after doing all this , fulfilling their  so called duties, they have no say, no respect.

Why women have been treated as men’s personal property, why only they have to fight for their rightful place. We say things have changed, beneath the surface it’s still the same.

If you try to voice something you will be attacked either in the name of religion, culture, morals or anything. Shit happens and it will continue…..

We don’t want to feel week, yet they give us a pity look, since we respond emotionally to almost all the things, we are considered to be fools.

You are there for everyone, every time and anytime but you have to face your battles alone. One wrong step and crash…..strangely you will receive opposite of love.

If it’s easy to forgive, why not forgiven?

Take your decision, stand for yourself,  walk out of a relation if it is not worth your efforts.

No more your happiness should be affected by the dip or high of anyone else’s happiness. If you are denied of not more but equal in return , then withdraw yourself.

Be the girl you always wanted to be……..you are free