diary of a little kid, in the grown up girl

Sunday, April 21, 2013
                                                            Day# 10,107 of my life
There are many days in our lives about which the less written, the better...with this thought, if not written, the moment passes, it is forgotten. Thus i never mentioned anything. You feel I am being dramatic? yes! I am over dramatic.
Something akin to confusion has been disturbing me...... jumbled and messed all these days.It's extraordinarily strange, but everyone else seemed happy. How come I am not?
I had learned to fake smiles, still it's a long way to go. I can tell if it's killing me or making me strong.

When someone suddenly disappears of your life, it's terrible...thousands , even more than that questions in my head, and even more hopes which refuse to fade.....I still think about the two of us together. Everyday I still assume "right in the middle of an ordinary life , love will give me a fairy tale. But now I also accept that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.

Twisted!  I am .Exactly the way my thoughts are.


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I see my soul indivisibly with you,
lingering one the newly budded leaves,
I see the flowers dancing upon,
holding fast to the fading dreams,
I see the breeze gentle and warm,
carrying love up its sleeves,
I see the sun ray's bright and clear,
spreading care, warmth and belief,
you can continue to measure
my love for you
for I do not see you,
but love you blindly.
In this part of the story ,
 I am the one who dies,
and die out of love and glory.


Acacia-(yellow), symbolizes secret love.
It's after a long time that i am writing and i realized the same when my screen blinked, indicating "wrong password", life was keeping me on a roll .I wan't to thank all those who have been there during my tough time and also those, whose best wishes were unconditionally there with me.
I assure you all that I will continue taking wrong decisions,neglecting my health,become a workaholic...as i know i am blessed with people like you in my life..

diary of a little kid,in the grown up girl

Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Day # 9711 of my life
 we all know at last we have to meet death, leaving behind everything. but i am horrified and clueless.
i have lost some weight and become pale. this was what i realized after whatever happened with me this afternoon.
while sleeping suddenly my heart felt heavy and  found myself drenched in sweat.
may be it was just a symptom of imbalance in my life, can be called a panic attack. i am unable to decide is it chronic or not.
i don't want to visit a doctor or discuss it with my family, as i don't want to trouble any one.
may be it's not that serious , i am just unnecessarily thinking too much and jumping to conclusions.


p.s-  please don't take it seriously.it's just a phase and i'll get ok with it.
and if that's not the case i would know it soon.

winds of change-4

Sunday, March 11, 2012
Date:  I don’t remember

Dear Doctor Arya,

I  have been a patient of yours for 4 years , 2 months.
I know I am a special person and I am worth something wonderful. But I have a very negative feeling  and feel bad. But the only good is that the pressure and tension is gone , my body is now calm.
After reaching the bottom I realized I had nothing left to scrape.
This can’t be ! who would do such a thing?
It may sound senseless to choose physical damage and the reasons may look irrational, may not be apparent.
How do I share my tear, broken heart, shattered dreams, emptiness?
I don’t want to kill myself but I hate my miserable life. There is enormous amount of rage within, it was just a way of venting these. I have my reasons some I can’t explain and some I don’t want to explain.
I slept, woke up, slept again and woke up again. Tormented by the feeling, that no one else cared about me. Loneliness is worst of all tortures, worst of all sufferings though being alone is what I need.
I deeply appreciate your willingness to consider supervising me on a long term.
But I have failed, lost it all. I don’t want your assistance from now onwards.
Thank you again for helping me trial this therapy
Rini mathur


it's been a while since they last spoke. rini  tried coaxing him to talk  but to no avail, he had changed.He became unresponsive.it was the beginning of her hell. self harm was just a way to help her express her feelings which she could not put in words so that she could feel better at least for a while.it helps one feel in control but the problem is the relief doesn't last long.
 big pieces of paper with scribbling in red were scattered all over her room.(it was a part of therapy which she was undergoing in order to stop self harm).
 but nothing seemed to help. all his judgmental comments and criticism were haunting her.she was ashamed and felt naked.
she felt asleep and started ccrying in dreams and then actually cry and woke up.
her face was soaked in tears it took her a while to calm down again. how  on earth could she cry harder in sleep then she would ever had when awake.


p.s: was she getting mad?she wanted to  love and to  fight to make the relationship more human.
but then it just left a scar behind.

 What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers or jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels. ~ St. Augustine ~


Thursday, February 9, 2012

Everyone in his/her life experiences some incidents. Good or bad or may be the one’s which mark the beginning of lifelong confusion.
I have a story to tell, an experience to share, it’s not an artistic interpretation but my encounter with the actuality.
It was an evening of January 22’2011; I was waiting at the Chennai airport for my brother whose flight was to arrive after two hours.
                                       My flight landed as scheduled and of the manager from the office was there to receive me,but I decided to stay at the domestic airport and receive my brother. As a result of some confusion I stepped out and was there in the passage, which did not allow me to move in again. Thus I sat on the luggage trolley and waited for the international flight to arrive.
I saw a very charming and beautiful Chinese girl walking to and fro and could find no rest. After a while she came and sat on her trolley near me.
                                      I could not resist my conversation with her, thus I asked where did she come from and the reason behind her upset look. I learned that she was from china and had volunteered for an NGO here. There NGO’s with international volunteering in INDIA.
I myself always wanted to work for an NGO to serve even if a bit as I can as a human.
Her flight got delayed by 12 hrs. and there was no one to receive her . she had no clue to where to go. All what she had was a phone number. Not to my surprise but we all know that Indian airports are not that well equipped, except for the t3  at  delhi and provides no such facilities like calling cards or issuing immediate sim cards.
I dialed the number from my phone and gave the detail to the person at the other end, who was the organizer. He explained me the address and asked me to forward her the same so that she could manage her way.
It was alarming! We were in Chennai, and here you better know the local language because they will not haggle in any other language. In the meanwhile my brother had arrived, I briefed it all to him and we decided to help her. Taking the help of the manger and the driver to overcome the language barrier we somehow managed our way and to our shock it was a skimpy, filthy place which accommodated two more girls, a Korean and a Philippine
It was around 10:30pm when I left her there. While my steps downstairs I found it difficult to believe what just happened. I called that irresponsible fella (the organizer) and to my shock he had no guilt or shame for his behavior rather than being thankful he told me that there are other more important things to do rather than catering someone as dumb as that Chinese girl, according to him it was her fault.
I wanted to make him pay for his act, report to the police or may be some foreign official. But bhai( my brother) said we did as much as we could and no just forget it.                                                                                                                                                                                                       
       p.s: if the NGO’s work with and like this I would surely think twice before joining hands with them
Thanks to mr. Kumar ( manager) and the driver …I don’t remember his name, without them we would have never been able to help “Pearl”(chinese girl). i hope we did.

diary of a little kid,in the grown up girly

Saturday, February 4, 2012
Day#9656-9663 of my life

Year 2012 seems to be bringing lot of changes to my life.sometimes dreaming,hoping,yearning loses its luster of romance.although we loved each other faithfully, we would fight and make it worse without being able to get to the root of the issue and there came a time when we realized that the minimal contact was not enough to sustain us.
i was on the verge of becoming crazy.
we decided to call off the fight to keep the relationship on track.in- person visit was a well needed breeze.which seemed no less than a dream.
but god allows miracles to happen when its least expected. and yes i was so happy,sitting next to him.we felt a connection with each other,we never felt before .
i talked crazily.great! now i was to get drunk.soon there came a time when alcohol took effect.i was hardly able to keep my eyes open but i was enjoying my high because i knew i was with him.
when you are so in love it feels good that you don't see the bad.
and then my heart with pleasure fills
 and dances with the daffodils*


p.s: long distance relationships are tough but so worth it.it takes plenty of efforts but the result speaks for it.
very well said by Plato"at the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.":):):)
*lines taken from "daffodils" by william wordsworth

diary of a little kid,in the grown up girl

Sunday, January 8, 2012
    Day  #9639 of my life
I decided to sit by the window to write today, the stars fascinated me but I wanted the night to be bright ,so bright that it erases most of the stars..but it was darker ,way darker than the previous one, yet fulfilling my wish of erasing the stars….it was the last hour of the day…I was stunned ,unable to believe what I had just heard… its another  weekend and he will turn up late…late or may be not turn only.
I am sitting here all alone, trembling and trying hard to stop that drop at the corner of my eye from rolling down my cheeks, with my phone in my hand wishing with each vibration that its him.
I wanted to talk as always…listen, say, discuss……
The blood in my veins freezed… as I thought that soon he would call and his distinctive voice would just banish my blues away… whenever the wind blew I could hear him whispering in my ear….dreamer yes I am..
I was hardly able to keep my eyes open but  I waited…waited and continued….
At six in the morning I woke up shivering… the reason was temperature..
Winters are chilly in north,I had slept where I was writing (near the window)
My  phone  had beeped around 2:13am
he‘Do u luv me
he-‘Dats it’
me-‘Wat else I could have said’
U shudve  said..i luv u baby…baby is d word…
No replyL
How long will I hav to wait..plz be true..i don’t wanna hear..only gudnyt..or u gng off to sleep in between
These were few messages which we shared after which he called me …all I remember is that he called me and said that we can talk as he is little free right now…that did not please me..i did not waited for this..until morning..anyways we din’t talk much.. and I said I don’t want it to turn worse and he kept down..after which he called up again spoke to me for a while…and said would call me later…
I slept..dont know what was the time by  then…..
Waiting is painful.forgetting is painful, but not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering-pauloCoelho

p.s: How often we take the people around us for granted especially those closest to us.
 Still My love for him is endless. I feel it that ways.i don’t know how confident he is of my love .but I know my love is great and great love requires great sacrifice.