diary of a little kid,in the grown up girl

Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Day # 9711 of my life
 we all know at last we have to meet death, leaving behind everything. but i am horrified and clueless.
i have lost some weight and become pale. this was what i realized after whatever happened with me this afternoon.
while sleeping suddenly my heart felt heavy and  found myself drenched in sweat.
may be it was just a symptom of imbalance in my life, can be called a panic attack. i am unable to decide is it chronic or not.
i don't want to visit a doctor or discuss it with my family, as i don't want to trouble any one.
may be it's not that serious , i am just unnecessarily thinking too much and jumping to conclusions.


p.s-  please don't take it seriously.it's just a phase and i'll get ok with it.
and if that's not the case i would know it soon.

winds of change-4

Sunday, March 11, 2012
Date:  I don’t remember

Dear Doctor Arya,

I  have been a patient of yours for 4 years , 2 months.
I know I am a special person and I am worth something wonderful. But I have a very negative feeling  and feel bad. But the only good is that the pressure and tension is gone , my body is now calm.
After reaching the bottom I realized I had nothing left to scrape.
This can’t be ! who would do such a thing?
It may sound senseless to choose physical damage and the reasons may look irrational, may not be apparent.
How do I share my tear, broken heart, shattered dreams, emptiness?
I don’t want to kill myself but I hate my miserable life. There is enormous amount of rage within, it was just a way of venting these. I have my reasons some I can’t explain and some I don’t want to explain.
I slept, woke up, slept again and woke up again. Tormented by the feeling, that no one else cared about me. Loneliness is worst of all tortures, worst of all sufferings though being alone is what I need.
I deeply appreciate your willingness to consider supervising me on a long term.
But I have failed, lost it all. I don’t want your assistance from now onwards.
Thank you again for helping me trial this therapy
Rini mathur


it's been a while since they last spoke. rini  tried coaxing him to talk  but to no avail, he had changed.He became unresponsive.it was the beginning of her hell. self harm was just a way to help her express her feelings which she could not put in words so that she could feel better at least for a while.it helps one feel in control but the problem is the relief doesn't last long.
 big pieces of paper with scribbling in red were scattered all over her room.(it was a part of therapy which she was undergoing in order to stop self harm).
 but nothing seemed to help. all his judgmental comments and criticism were haunting her.she was ashamed and felt naked.
she felt asleep and started ccrying in dreams and then actually cry and woke up.
her face was soaked in tears it took her a while to calm down again. how  on earth could she cry harder in sleep then she would ever had when awake.


p.s: was she getting mad?she wanted to  love and to  fight to make the relationship more human.
but then it just left a scar behind.

 What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers or jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels. ~ St. Augustine ~