winds of change-3

Continued…

Under the streaming hot water she opened herself to the reality and had a great laugh at herself.

Completely drenched with tears which surprised and confused her, she squeezed her eyes shut, and felt his skin against hers.

She felt herself blush.

The speed at which everything moved felt strange and renewed her pain, she winced.

A violent outburst of anger forced her to scratch herself. She believed that this would help her get rid of the pain. The wound still hurts her. Not the physical but the emotional…..

She was punishing herself.

Managing her to the room she was crying, sobbing, the jerky sobs which almost stopped her from breathing. “Was a whole night not worth anything for him , was he ending it right now, has he made up his mind, is he walking out on me….”, all this kept buzzing in her mind.

Thinking all this her feet felt almost dead. Her face was ice-cold, she had on his shirt not the white one (stains of blood could have spoilt it) but the grey one which she had kept in her cupboard as a memoir. She believed in its sedative quality.

She slumped her head against the back of the bed, staring blindly at the ceiling for a while and fell into a doze again.

He grinned at her caressed her, he had his arms around her waist, his touch was so light….she kissed his cheeks…..

Continues..
p.s- you cannot simply force someone to feel a certain way about you.

winds of change-2

Continued……..

Everything looked beautiful, felt beautiful……

Together they were always happy and complete.

That night Rini poured her heart out, confessing how madly in love she was with him.

He deliberately ignored it all.

Not that he wasn’t in love, but he could just not concentrate on anything other than her eyes.

Each time she used  to bring in the topic of getting married, he use to somehow convince her to wait for some time and each time he use to initiate the topic she would very well know the reason was ‘marijuana’.

Along with a sense of confusion and disappointment it was a breaking point. Turning on her side , she switched off the lights and was off to sleep.

As always she woke up alone.

For few days Vikram didn’t turn up and didn’t respond properly to her     calls, lined up were‘I am busy with friends’,‘Had a long tiring day', ‘Not in a mood to talk’,Or would switch off his phone texting the next morning, ‘the battery drained’.His actions made her feel disrespected and rejected and deeply wounded.

She deliberated over the decision for a long time before she made up her mind…and each time she used to fix to one thing, he popped up with surprises and at the end of which she was left being totally alone.

The situation was being messy….

Rini called him up with a view to make him understand how these things were not required for their relation. But he moved on to insulting her-frigid and naïve. Saying he could no longer stay with a girlie who don’t understand or know a thing about him. and hung up on her.

For a while the shock of his words numbed her.

She felt betrayed, but she could hardly blame him .

There could have been no betrayal if there was no trust.


often i search for shoulder to cry on
often i face denials
often i try to smile for no reason
often am called a lier 
often i think m not that bitchy
often am given a place so higher
often i feel am a duckling so ugly
often it seems am not desired.


continues....

winds of change -1

                                                         

Rini was going through an emotional turmoil, the euphoria, the romance, the thrill was diminishing in her 2 year old relationship. She was figuring ways to dispel the monotony.

Her relation had been through fair share of storms, and each time she managed to smash it hard in face and want it to happen again.

But little did she know what was in store for her. Poised and smart as always, there was something unusual today……that aubergine dress, which made her look all the more stunning.

Vikram was at the door when there were still 60 ticks left for the clock to strike 8:00 pm. She gave a quick gaze to both the interiors and rose to greet him.

She had laid the best china, gold table runners, vanilla scented candles and the aroma could have made anyone feel hungry for the supper and more. Dining together vikram gazed reflectively at her liquid brown eyes, which showcased all the mad love for him. By the time she was cleaning the stuff, began the foreplay, kissing, stroking……but she interrupted insisting for a dance together, dim light, sweet fragrance, the perfect ambience for love to be in the air and also to overcome her inhibitions , after all she wanted to marry him.

He began caressing her hair, moving to the tunes, breathing her deep.

“I am a novice at these things”. she said blushing. As she wrapped her hands around him, it was like a leaf getting swept away in a current of water. She felt magic and important and right and happy. As if,  it  was all that mattered. Eventually the night came to an end and she woke up alone in the bed with only dreams on her side (vikram had left before it was time for maid to be in).

She sat back at once , startled by what she had done, but she felt good….the mere thought of being with vikram painted her cheeks. She immediately texted him , of how she was feeling…..he didn’t  answer.

She called him up but he disconnected, she felt worse. Texting later “dinner tonight “

And to her surprise , he was bang on time…with a bunch of flowers this time…

Calling out loudly…

For the dreamer’s dream

             Charmer’s charm

             Wandering soul

              Pretty as a flower …

(what these lines meant ,it was really hard to understand, but all what mattered were the feelings)

And he winked at her.

continues........

WARNING:LOVE AHEAD -2

Continues..

Let it be a typical weekend night, let’s party , said arjun, hoping to put her at ease.

Going giddy headed with all that partying and beer cans it got very late and dark, the black fabric of night could swallow almost everything.

“if you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows…………said drishti

…….You might tell them sorrows know how to swim, continued arjun.(quoted in p.s. I love you)

And they both giggled. This was  their another common like.

Her cellphone beeped again and a sudden chill grip her chest.

Why don’t you spit it out or let me see who’s it, his was a firm voice.

She haven’t ever talked of it with anyone but wanted to tell him, drishti hid her problems from her boyfriend but usually discussed them in detail with arjun.

Staring at the moon in it’s first quarter she proceeded, I was sexually abused as a child,she gulped and then continued , her voice turning deep,

Though it never bothered the roll of my life until when I discovered what it was ..looking at the star which detached itself  and fell, she cried secretly.

By now arjun was deeply aware of her melancholy…

She continued, and even before I could realize, I was in this impossible love with tarun(boyfriend), of which I thought was just a passing phase, but life was putting me in a direction I didn’t want to go in.

 to be continued......

WARNING:LOVE AHEAD

i won, who says girls cannot play chess...
her eyes sparkling as she had a wide smile(widening till ears on her face).
yeah!yeah! whatever, its just one game,i just let you win , since i dont like to dishearten girls...(though he knew she was actually good at  the game , but loved those wacky expressions, which are often seen in disapproval...
sipping coffee topped with laugh,play,discussions, this was for the first time they met officially as friends.
arjun was the one friend drishti made during her journey to HongKong. the last time they met was as co-passengers.since then they became acquaintance,friends and now special friends.its just been 10 months and yet they know almost everything about each other ,the likes,dislikes,love crush,break ups, you name it and they know it.
drishti does'nt usually get together with people she meets accidentally may be during journeys or on face book.but arjun was worth an exception .she was impressed -lets say it attracted.he was smart,handsome,sounded intellectual and above all was a charmer.but what appealed her the most was the number of things they had in common-they liked same songs,same colours and shared same morals......

talk,talk,talk!dont let your feelings bottle up,he insisted..
hey its your turn ,she pointed at the board...
it should be resolved before too much baggage piles up,he continued.
this is not the best time to resolve, can we go on a drive please ,she asked.
'ofcourse'
the air was damp and everything seemed still except for her blinking mellow eyes which were trying to search something but couldn't spot.
her cellphone beeped suddenly...she read the message and shuffled impatiently,her uneasiness growing in the silence.
arjun could see her legs feel wobbly....
is it the karizma of my presence that makes it difficult for you to not to fall for me......
she smiled at his cheekiness,then stopped abruptly...
what else she could do with the fear that grew inside her until her chest felt it might explode...
to be continued........

psychic lovers(outside of natural or scientific knowledge)

forever


"बारिश की हर बूँद
जिसने मुझे छुआ
सूर्य की वो हर किरण
जिसने मुझे रौशन किया
हवा की हर वो थाप 
जो मुझे महका गयी 
चांदनी सी रंगीन वो रात 
जो मुझे सजा गयी 
साँसों की हर वो राग 
जो संगीत बना गयी 
धड़कन की वो गूँज 
जो शोर मचा गयी
यूँ ही मेरी नज़रें 
तेरी छवि बना गयीं
छवि ऐसी जो 
मेरी ज़िन्दगी उभार गयी
उभरे  हर पन्ने पर
मेरी खुशियाँ सजा गयी 
खुशियाँ भी खुश हो न पायीं 
और जुदाई मुझे दफना गयी
जुदाई के मौसम में भी 
तेरे प्यार का रंग था घना 
दामन में था बस साथ तेरा 
साथ जो चलता रहा"


During my trip to singapore ,last month ,i met this lady who must be around 69 years old and was seated next to me .During this long journey of 5 hours, i couldnt resist but talk to her.what grace and charm she had and it was during that conversation learned about her.


she had no children,no family ,no husband or any body close to her except"JAI".
52 years back she met this handsome fellow at a party ,who stayed in her neighbourhood and had just returned from his boarding completing his education this was their first encounter.dressed in a yellow saree and a bun decorated with jasmine,she looked no less then a princess.
                                        This man named JAIYADITYA was also the hot topic among all the ladies, for they all wanted him to be their son in law.
Taking each others name or even talking was not permitted during those days.so all what they could do was to take a glance every now and then.
After a few days they met each other in a garden at the back of a temple and declared their love for each other.
unlike the bollywood cinema their was no problem in their getting married as they belonged to the same caste,same religion,and shared almost equal status.
                                        Finally,the things were fixed and they got engaged.only after a few days MANYA'S father expired and it was said that it was due to manya's stars which were not in favour of her fathers life.
heart broken and hurt she started blaming herself and became superstitious.(after all who wants to loose the one we love the most).
 In order to clear all her doubts,she wanted to get her and jaiyaditya's kundlis matched.
The pandit said her stars will have negative effect on his life as well as his family if they get married.
This cleared her dilemma and she decided to call off her engagement.Jai was not the one who believed in all this and tried to convince manya too.but she was in no mood to change her decision.Though they both knew it wont be easy for either of them to forget each other but their was no other alternative.
                              Manya promised Jai that she wont marry anyone else ever but he will have to begin a new life.
now after 44 years Jai has a family, two son and a daughter and have shifted to singapore and manya is living with all the good memories and love she treasured.
Today she is going to visit their place as its Jai's 75th birthday and his kids have planed a surprise party in which she is the guest of honour.
i asked her how come they are still in touch and his family does n't have an objection?
with a generous smile she said"the day we got engaged we promised each other to be best of friends, though the engagement did n't last for long nut we are still fulfilling our promises..
ANNOUNCEMENT: flight no. AK353 is about to land at the CHANGI AIRPORT in some time,kindly fasten your seat belts,hope you enjoyed your flight.have a nice day.
After the immigration when i  proceeded to collect my luggage i could see the  handsome old man who came to receive her.
They hugged each other and headed to their destination.
its well said that love never dies....
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

psychic lovers(outside of natural or scientific knowledge)

DIARY ENTRY 29.10.09

Dear Yaara (god)-{that is how ananya calls him}

how have you been, it was a long tiering day for me,but i enjoyed.

though uno why but still mujhe batana hai......can u believe he finally called up

(kartik , ananya's love rather life, she was crazy about him)

pehle toh gussa kiya , phir mujhse baat nahin ki and then after two long days he called up all the way from Mumbai.

(kartik ,working as a system analyst in a multinational company)

sirf" sorry" bola and then he said" i am busy have some work"

lier

male ego u see,bloody ASS ...

SORRY SORRY!

ino mujhe aisa nahin bolna chahiye. but he always does this.

kal jab maine apko letter likha tha , i had told u , why he yelled at me and even u know it wasnt my mistake

when he called up my lectures were going on, toh kaise baat karti ?

and as usual u know he has his own assumptions and judgement.

JERK!

sorry again!

ab nahin bolongi aise theek hai

"so rahe the kya?"

"nai nai swimming kar rahi thi":))

he said" i love you"

n hanged up...weired no

1:00am -" i really love you, chod toh nahin doge na "

1:35 am- "baby i am really sorry please forgive me"

and as usual uno how easily i forgive people , so I said its ok.

he said he wants to marry me as he cannot live without me ,he 'll die.

typically bollywood masala movie types.

but the fact is i loveto hear that

2:30am -we were still talking, i told him though the call rates have been reduced but still he cannot afford to talk on STD for so long

(he was least bothered to listen)

3:15am- "i have lectures tomorrow"

(actually she is not a student but a lecturer at B.H.U)

but stupid baat karte karte so gaya

meri neend toh kharaab kar di na , isliye main is waqt letter likh rahi hoon.

but i wish if i could see , how he looks when he sleeps!

muskurahat jinse nazrein na hatein

nazrein jinmein sapne basein

sapne jinmein saath ho hum

saath jo ho har kadam

meri kalpana mein tum

aise hi lagte ho

jab hoge rubaru

tab phir likhoongi in pannon par

jab sote ho toh kaise dikhte ho!

(5:00am) good night ke liye toh late ho gaya hai

goodmorning yaara!

love

Ananya

psychic lovers(outside of natural or scientific knowledge)

half: a kiss
9th october
4:00 in the morning, phone rings
aisha-(sleepy yet awake)"hello!"
no reply
aisha-"hello"baby are you ok?"
" where are you?"

a song is heard loud and clear
you are so beautiful,so damn beautiful(akon)

aisha smiles and before she could speak
kunal-"I LOVE YOU"
aisha -"I LOVE YOU TOO!
how many pegs down?"(ppl get romantic after boozing i read it some where)
kunal- "i dont remember"
aisha - "baby where are you?"
kunal- "i dont remember, am driving,heading towards..god knows where"
" i miss you yaar! aa jao na"
*the two of them started 7 yrs back same date and today is there anniversary.
497 km away from new delhi, aisha was there in lucknow.long distance reationship,yes that is what it was.they often met now and then as it was his home town as well.

aisha-(crying)"how much i want to be there with you. tum aa jao na its been so long"

kunal hates when she cries(holding his emotions-i have office tomorow,got to wake up early,aap so jao,i have reached home,gdnt.

*before she could wish..it was disconnected.
when did the crying eyes went of to sleep even they diidnt know.next morning with fixed routine aisha rushed for her classes(amity,integrated m.ba final year)
on her way phone beeped,there was a msg from kunal:

"dnt go 2 college
meet at c.c.d hazratganj
in half an hour
hv sent a giftwid
a fren(varun)
luv ya"

confused aisha calls him-"whats this?
kunal(in a hurry)-"i am a little busy baby,in a meeting call you later
do go and collect your gift."

"but i dont know whose varun?"

"dnt worry he know you,hope you will like it
do let me know,luv ya bye!"
*stuck in jam she was already 20 min late.
phone rings again(screen flashin kanu calling..)before she could say anything

kunal-"where are you?,always late the other person is waiting,he isnt your servant,
whats taking you so long?"
(in a low voice)-"stuck in jam,what can i do?
ask him to go ,i dont want anything"

"now dont overreact,tell me how long will you take,will inform him the same."

"say next 15 min."
ok bye!

*with watery eyes,she continued to cover the remaining distance wishing her auto had wings but nothing seemed to be favouring her neither the technology nor the traffic sense.
well not 15 but she managed it in 27 min 33 sec.
entering c.c.d she could not see any familiar face,so she called kunal

"baby i have reached,but how an i going to recognise varun?"

"wait he has just gone to a near by shop,probably must be reaching."

*thinking about the last night,she got realy pissedhe remembered to send her a gift but forgot to even wish.may be that is how a realtion tends to become after a certain time.
it was 10 for 12:30,almost 15 min from the last conversation.

she headed towards the counter tto place her order.
(a heavy voice broke)"2 cafe mocha with sachets of brown sugar please"
it was him.

*not bothered about the crowd,hugged each other n she broke in his arms.
(unable to believe that it was him)

"how come you are here?"

"i drove the entire night
to be with you
to see this smile
to see my angel"
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY JAAN!"
(smiling,amazed,confused,crying,blushing)
all at once.

*gazing at each other they wondered have they realy completed 7 yrs.it was so fresh.
fingers clutched
legs playing
naughty yet shy eyes
(listening to ppl talking about them)

*they spent neraly 2 hours there(c.c.d)
moving out for a drive,holding hands while changing gear(kunal giving lessons how to drive)
reaching his place,they were so lost, that they stayed in the parking for around 6 min.deciding whether to drop down or not.
but had to it was time to meet his mom.not that they were meetig for the first time but yes after a long time.
no body home(she left 20 min ago as they were late and ahe had to reach somwhere)


kunal showing his room ,discussing his work was lying on her laps,playing with her curls,
touching her n saying'motu'

smelling each other aisha could sense the passion
there was a sudden silence which broke with the ring of her phone(screen showing dad calling)


she was late
"i'll be home in 20 min.
stuck in jam"

"drop me home kunal"

*he managed to take the shortest route n reached within 12 min to assure she is not in trouble.dropping her at the end of the lane he said:
"happy anniversary once again"

"maine toh tumhein kuch diya hi nahin"(she came closer to kiss)
feeling each others breathe
pumping heart
shivering hands

gosh!
her phone beeped again(dad calling)
she dropped down bidded good bye and left

*it wasnt that they were kissing for the first time but it felt as if it is the first every time they did so.


she left
kunal finds a paper on the front seat reading:


कितने अज़ीज़ हो तुम
तुमने कभी जाना नहीं
खता ये हमारी है
आया हमें बताना नहीं
अल्फाज़ कुछ अनकहे रह गए
और कुछ अनसुने
न तुम हमसे कह सके
और न ही हम तुम्हें
पल भर की आज़माइश भी
अब सितम लगती है
तेरी ज़िन्दगी से जुड़ी
ज़िन्दगी मेरी
खुदा की रजा लगती है


-aisha